Identity – The Definition of YOU

Picture this – you are at a stage in your life where you find that things don’t go quite the way you’d like them to go. You’re working hard to reach your goal, to set up your business or grow it to a sustainable level and you’re doing everything it takes to make things happen. You work on it day in and day out. Yet you can’t help but see that you’re not really getting anywhere. It seems like you’re stuck. You try looking for things you could do differently, but you’ve been doing everything right and you’ve been doing the same things that got you to a decent level. You will very likely end up telling yourself “it’s just the way things go for me. I can’t pull anything through. No matter how hard I try, I still can’t make it happen. I am mediocre. I always have been.”

From there on, everything is just a self-fulfilling prophecy. Mediocre is what you are and everything you do will just amount to mediocrity. Let’s see why.

The Inception

We don’t always remember how things started. But one thing is for sure – the majority of what we are gets defined by our childhood experiences at first, and then, by what we do in life.

There is a well-known experiment involving plants and how they respond to verbal stimuli. In essence, the researchers had two different plants treated in the same way from a needs’ perspective – both plants got the same amount of water, the same amount of light, but each one had a speaker playing different things continuously. Plant A was praised and complimented. It was told only beautiful things. Plant B was bullied. It was insulted and discouraged. After 30 days, guess which one was flourishing and which one was withering. If you guessed that Plant A was flourishing, while Plant B was dying, you were right!

Although not conclusive enough, we know what happens when people get treated in the same way. A kid that gets bullied, insulted and discouraged on a regular basis will be less likely to succeed in his endeavours compared to a kid that gets praise and words of encouragement for the things done. It’s simple. What we’re told repeatedly will slowly define who we are and how we act. Everything starts with the things that happen during our childhood. And that is because during those years, we are like sponges.

We get to know the world that we were born in and we start experimenting it. Human beings, like any other beings on the planet act based on the feedback they get. If we understand that there is a consequence, good or bad, for something that we do, that will determine whether we will still do that thing or whether we will stop, adjust, adapt. If there is no consequence, that is still feedback and it can be both good and bad, depending on how we perceive it. And we perceive it based on the values that were instilled in us. But the good news about values and about things that we learned in childhood is that they can change: for the better or for the worse.

Own It! – You Are Not Just A Victim

Let’s say you were really bullied when you were little. You were discouraged by your parents and you slowly realized that there was no love for you there. People around you had nothing but insults for you. Kids at school would bully you and there was no point in you trying to prove anything to them, or to yourself for that matter. After all, it wouldn’t make a difference anyway.

You had the worst experience and you ended up having a shit job, a shit boss, shitty living conditions and a shit life altogether. And you realized that the things you were told stuck with you. They shaped you into the person you are now. They MADE YOU!

You read it somewhere and realized that you didn’t have the supportive parents that would have helped you move up in life. You didn’t have the supportive teacher that saw your potential and helped you improve. You didn’t have the supportive friends that could have been there to lift you up. You were dealt the worst hand ever. And now you’re realizing it… What do you do?

Do you start blaming everyone? Do you start building up the rage and thinking that you are a loser because nobody ever believed in you? Do you scream within and even out loud and start calling everyone to tell them how your crappy life is on them? That’s something you could do. But would it change anything? You would blow off some steam, that’s for sure, but would it improve your situation? NO. Ok, so what do you do?

Do you get back into your own shell and think that it is what it is and you have to just live with it until you die, hoping that things get better along the way? That’s not going to happen.

If you’re at that point in your life, you’re probably old enough and wise enough to realize that some things happened. But if you keep blaming your past and the actions of others for what you have become, you’ll end up in a hole. If someone once told you that you will amount to nothing and that’s what just happened, it’s not their fault or their responsibility. Yes, you were influenced. Yes, you were shaped in that way. But once you are old enough to think for yourself and make your own decisions, there are no excuses! You are responsible for yourself. You are there because you got yourself there (with a little help). And best yet, you can change it all!

Playing the victim is not the solution. You didn’t get into a bad situation just by chance. You didn’t just turn out to be a loser. Things don’t just happen. Somebody makes them happen. That somebody is YOU!

You Are What You Think – Identity Is All

Everything you do in life defines who you are. And everything you do is a result of everything you think. Your identity is important. But who are you? Really ask yourself this: Who am I? Am I the job title I have? Am I what it says on my diploma? What or who am I really?

The truth is, you are exactly what you want to be. Don’t get too much ahead of yourself now. If you don’t have any medical experience, don’t start going around pretending to be a surgeon. You will probably do more harm than good. But remember that whatever you add after the words “I am” will define you.

Ok, so why don’t I just become rich if I say and think that I am rich? Why don’t I just suddenly stop being a loser? Because you were conditioned. If you tell yourself enough times that you are a certain way, you will start believing it. Even as a joke, if you say you’re stupid, some things in your life will align to fulfil that thing. If you take it seriously one time, then two, then three, then more, you will believe that you might just be stupid. Soon enough, your actions will follow that, because we, as human beings, have the need to be consistent in our actions with those things we believe.

Identity is really what will shape your actions. The way to change things in your life is to change your identity. And that starts with the way you define yourself. Just replace “I am a loser” with “I am a winner”. You’ll see that things won’t change all of a sudden and you will think that Daniel just wrote a bunch of crap meant to keep fools engaged with a text. And you were foolish enough to stay engaged. “So you are a fool after all… A loser.” That is what you will think to yourself.

And see how the trap works? If something doesn’t work the first time you try it, it doesn’t make it any less true. It will take more than just saying “I am a winner” to actually become a winner. You will have to believe it. More than that even – to KNOW that you are a winner. And most importantly, your actions will have to reflect it as well!

Changing The Definition Of YOU

Changing your identity is possible. Again, this doesn’t mean that if you believe you’re a surgeon, you will suddenly become one without any training and experience. There are no actually important places in life and society where you can just fake your way in. After a while, you will fall. And depending on how high up you got by faking it, the fall will be more or less painful. But it will hurt for sure!

So how do you change your identity? First, by watching the way you think. What you say to yourself is more important than what you say to others. People around you might hear what you say or they might not. They might pay attention or just ignore you. But what you will always hear what you say to yourself. And your subconscious mind is always listening to you! Sometimes you just have to guard yourself from yourself. Because you are the most important critic you have.

Your identity starts with the words ‘I am’. There are also variations to that. What you always do, how you always think – these also define you and make your identity whole. So whatever you put after those words will literally make you into that exact thing. Believing you are one way gives you a sense of certainty. Knowing it makes it a fact.

The third vital thing is the way you act. At first, you might not act consistent to your new identity. Naturally, that will be a bit of an effort. So ask yourself – how would a winner act? What would a winner do? What do I need to do in order to look like a winner? Don’t trick yourself by thinking that you can do anything and saying that that is what a winner is to you. If you don’t have a clue yet, pick a role model. Pick someone you would aspire to be like. And look at their actions. Ask yourself “What would this person do?” and do just that. If you are unclear about a situation, ask yourself how that person would act in that situation. And allow yourself to shift into that new identity. It will help you become consistent with your new identity and that will soon be who you are all around.

I know it might sound simple. But I warn you – there is a struggle. It is hard to break the habits of the past and start fresh. You will have the tendency to fall back and go back to where you were. After all, you’ve been doing those things for a long time. They feel comfortable and you are familiar with the feedback you’d get. But that is not the solution. The solution is to stay the course. To keep going UNTIL you get where your soul wants you to get. And the best thing you can do on that path is to get someone to walk it with you. Get someone to hold you accountable and to help you stay the course. If you’re looking for that someone, look no further. I am here and I can help! If you want to work with me, reach out to me on my socials @danielccoaching or just drop an email at support@danielccoaching.com and let’s break through this together!

Bless you!

Daniel